Why I Don't Give Myself Enough Credit.

Technically, I don't know why I don't give myself enough credit.

I think it's because when I critique myself I think about it over and over again, and what I should have done differently. I don't regret, I just don't forgive myself for messing up as quickly as I should.

A friend of mine always tells me that what he thinks is so great about me is the fact that I don't think I'm that great at all.

First of all, what the fuck does that mean? Second of all, is it a compliment?

Another friend of mine likes to tell me I've earned a pat on the back, and he actually gives them to me sincerely.

So as a pat on the back to myself, I'd like to say that I am doing very well. I am recovering nicely from having been out of work, and in a slew of bad luck, for almost 3 months. It's still an uphill battle, but I'm recovering, and feeling good about things. I am doing really well at my job. I am working as a Military Enrollment Counselor at the University of Phoenix, and at times it can be very trying, but I've developed some really positive relationships with my students and I actually LIKE helping them every day. My boss says that if my numbers remain the same for 6 months straight there are great transfer opportunities for me, like Spain and France and England... so I'm definitely thinking positively in that regard.

I have made a lot of friends here. I try very hard to keep up to date with their lives, even when I have a slew of my own shit going on, and I have learned that maintaining friendships takes a lot of work. It is hard for me because the last two years have been very tough. I experienced a lot of ups and downs, and if you want the truth things only really started changing for me once I realized they weren't going to change on their own. So in that time I've just been focused on keeping afloat, and I think a lot of my friends thought I wasn't interested in their lives. It's been a crazy transition, man... but I'm working on it. I'm proud of myself. And I'm proud of the connections I've made and maintained over the years. I love my friends, indefinitely, however fucked up they might be... and however fucked up I might be as well, shit.

I feel better. Peace.

The Green Machine

You know what? I'm a fucking survivor. I have been through more in my 26 years of life than most people go through in a full life cycle. Living in Arizona has taught me to fight. It's taught me that things CAN always get worse, and they will. It's taught me to appreciate the things in life that I've often found easy to achieve or obtain. It's taught me a lot about loss, disappointment, heartbreak... truth be told it's taught me an awful lot about an awful lot of terrible shit.

I've made a ton of mistakes in life. I've taken the easy way out, or followed the shortest and least winding road. I've lied, I've cheated.. I've even lied about cheating. I am not, by any means, a perfect person. I don't even believe for a second that I'm a good person, because I know that I've got a lot to learn and a lot to gain from striving to be better. I know these things about myself.

It strikes me as very interesting that people can know themselves so well, be perfectly aware of their flaws and the things that bring them down; they can see in themselves the characteristics they want so badly to change, and do nothing. I am one of those people.

I think, what happens, is that you get so far into this rut that you feel like it's almost pointless to try and recover. Things go so bad, for so long, that it seems as though whether you fight for the good or not the same shitty outcome is always going to remain. That feeling of "alone in this" sets in for such an extended period of time, that even though you are virtually surounded by the rotating door of friends and family... all you can see and feel is that you are the only person in the world who understands your plight. I am that person.

There's this weird blanket of comfort that kind of silences all the chaos, and makes it all just a little more bareable. I am that person who stopped fighting, laid down, and accepted that I had zero control over my life. I am that person who disappeared from friends and family because I had no idea who I had become or where my life was headed; and I was truly embarassed of that.

I haven't yet figured out all of the components that comprise that whole "rebuilding" stage. I probably wont know for a while, because I'm still going through it. I do know that there comes that point when you're way down there at rock bottom, almost watching everything crumble away from an outsider's point of view - and you realize "this is not me". That's what happened to me anyway. That's how it came to be that I had to stand up and make some changes.

Its a slow process. I'm not, by any means, saying that my life is perfect and I've made all the changes I wanted to make. What I am saying is that I've realized the value of making those changes, even at the cost of it really hurting; and it has.

For the first time in 2 years I feel like I can make goals. I can't wait to look back on this blog and be proud of all the changes I've made.

And Yet Another Blog is Born.

In the end, I'm always going to be a blogger. That's it, I may as well just accept it.

I was thinking back on those days when I blogged every day, and Livejournal was such a priority in my life. I always felt so open and communicative, and so much like myself. I apologized for nothing, made excuses for nothing... and I just really miss being that person who is who she is; and enjoys discussing it.

So here I am, I'm back. I find that most of my blogs have always focused on relationships and a lack there-of, and that is something I really would not like to focus on this time. I want to focus on talking about the things in my life that I love and hate, miss or want to be a part of. Things I believe in, things I've learned from, and things I want to teach others. And, if in that process, relationships come up as well, to hell with it.

I plan to write one blog a week for the next year. I'd say one blog a day, but let's be realistic here... there are times when I go days without even coming home. I want to see and document the kind of progress I can make when I focus on making changes in my life. I'm going to be 27 this month. One year from now, when I'm sitting on my couch, getting ready to turn 28, I want to be able to look back and feel proud of my accomplishments. This here, my friends, is where I begin to turn it all around.

I hope to make this ride a great and fabulously memorable one.